A Head Covering Cultural Nomad

Although Old Order Mennonite and Amish are technically Americans, their culture is as foreign to mainstream American as the most exotic foreign country. All little girls are raised with the concept that covering their hair is a mandate from God, to show their subjection before men and God. My whole childhood I never really contemplated it, it was just the way things were. Grown women who have joined the church cover their hair with a little white cap day and night, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Little girls wear white caps to go to church on Sundays, and they wear sunbonnets in different colors when they leave their farms, to go visit neighbors or go to town, and on top of their white caps on Sundays, for the carriage ride to church. The mothers and older girls who are church members wear black bonnets over their little white caps to go out. The practice of covering is such an automatic part of their lives that most of the young girls don't really question it. Those to whom it does occur to question aren't really given a deep spiritual explanation. They do it because they have to. It is part of their culture.

When I left home at nearly twenty-two years old, it had nothing to do with the way we dressed, or didn't dress. I left because I knew that their faith is not mine. Meaning I did not, of my own free-will choose this religion. It had been rigorously mapped out to the tiniest itty bitty detail since before I was born. I was expected to conform, automatically, without question, like stiff clay being pressed, pounded and forced into a mold. Not all Mennonites and Amish are that inflexible, but the tribe I am from is mostly like that. Even if their brother molests or rapes their daughter, they have no recourse. No way to get justice, because they are not allowed to take people to court. So the epidemic is swept under the rug and the girls are told to forget about it, be quiet, never talk about it. Even the grandmothers who were molested by their brothers or uncles tell the little girls to be quiet, to forgive, not to rock the boat, not to "cause trouble." I'm sorry but I believe that those who break the laws of the land should expect to be punished by the laws of the land, and not expect protection by the elders in the society. But then, most of the elders probably fail to fathom the monstrosity of this crime because they have done it too. What can I do? I can not be quiet about such a momentous crime. Likewise, if their husbands abuse them, or their children or he rapes or molests anyone, the wives have no recourse. They are to be in a state of subjection before their husbands and before God at all times. Because Eve is the one who sinned, and Adam followed her into temptation.

I tried to leave home so many times it isn't funny. Every time I planned my escape, my father did something to prevent it. He used to threaten to kick me out of the house if I do such and such, so I decided it was best for me to leave voluntarily. Yet, every time I arranged to do so, my father interfered and basically held me hostage. Finally I sneaked away. A really close friend of the family had an idea that something was wrong, so she told me that if I ever want to leave, she will help me. I was over eighteen, so there was no way that any police would force me to go back, and I let my family know where I was at all times. When I left home my mother accused me of abandoning God, and I assured her this is simply not true. "I'm sure I will find a church I will stay with," I said. I was sure of that. I also knew that I wanted to go to college. I had a recurring nightmare for a long time after I finally accomplished my escape, in it I always went to visit my family and my father locked me up and would not let me leave. This is happening in America y'all, to little white girls, not in some foreign country where everyone is automatically evil and bad because "they do not look like us."

It took me four years of searching, experimenting, soul searching and dressing the way the mainstream told me was "right." My friends called me Satan, because I told them "if I'm going to sin, I'm going to sin right." I wore the shortest shorts, the sheerest tops, and partied like the rest of the people I met at work and in college. In college I gravitated towards the tormented, arty crowd. It was a small school, and everyone knew everyone else, but we still had the athletes and their followers and the arty group with their groupies. I loved my friends, they were a diverse group of kids who liked to ride around in smoke-filled cars (ahem, like Bill Clinton, I smoked, but I didn't inhale *blush*). I miss them, I wonder what they are doing now that we are "all grown up." I really like and value some things about the mainstream culture. I like my access to education and employment and my freedom to pursue God on my own and practice the religion of my choice. I also liked being able to meet people from any culture on earth, and listen to THEM tell it the way they have seen it with their own eyes, and then deciding what to take, and what to leave.

I went to various mainstream churches, Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal, and so on. After four years of seeking and visiting different churches, I came to the absolute conclusion that none of them were right. I hated the way I felt, trying to emulate the way the women were supposed to behave. I hated the way too many mainstream men treated women too. I heard mainstream men call their girlfriends and wives bitches to their faces and treat them like nothing more than a piece of meat. They show off pictures of their wives' private parts to co-workers and other guy friends, and they beat their wives and girlfriends black and blue and expect them to come crawling back for more. Cheating on their wives and girlfriends is as natural to them as eating when they are hungry. These are things I saw with my own eyes. The judicial system may or may not provide justice to victims of rape, the first question a rape victim is asked, "what were you wearing?" which is what they mean when they say, "show us the clothes you had on when it happened." Hypocritical, considering mainstream women are expected and encouraged to flaunt it if they've got it, regardless of the negative effects it has on themselves or anyone else.

By the end of the fourth year of investigating the world for myself, I reached the conclusion that I believe in God, I just don't believe in any church. At that point I met a group of Iraqi guys and I approached them the same way I approached everyone else I met: with an open mind. I was surprised by how kind and polite they were. I had never met any Muslims before, but I had certainly seen some radical Islamic [punks] clerics on television, defending female genital mutilation, no less! Other than that misleading episode I had seen on television I knew nothing about Islam.

One of the guys I met that day became my first husband. I made no secret of the fact that if he ever hit me I would go live in the street before I stayed with him another minute. I interrogated him about Islam constantly, I'm sure he felt like he had married an FBI agent. LOL! But he was so consistent in his prayers, eating only halal meat, and fasting in the month of Ramadhan. Out of respect for his religion, I didn't keep pork in the house. I quit drinking because he didn't drink and I wanted him to respect me. Drinking wasn't fun anyway, it just made me sick and gave me a hang-over the next day. I simply watched him quietly practice Islam as part of his daily routine. He never suggested I should convert, or change the way I dressed at that time, except when Ramadhan came he asked me not to wear shorts in front of his friends. They were fasting, and part of fasting is to abstain from having sexual thoughts or actions. So, I didn't wear shorts in front of them during The Holy Month because I didn't want to interfere with their obvious spirituality. They were all so polite and respectful towards me, I would have felt bad not being polite in return.

I asked my ex one day if they don't believe in Jesus, and his answer to me was "if Jesus is God's son, then you already have a God, so if Jesus is God, then you have two Gods." That floored me, because one of the unanswered questions I had while I was a Christian, was "If we can pray to either Jesus, or to God, and it ultimately goes to the same place, why don't we also pray to the holy spirit, since he is the third person / part of God?" Whom are we supposed to pray to? If we pray to one, then we are neglecting the other two equal parts of God, but if we pray to each one separately, that would mean we were praying to three different entities!" Jesus was created by God, and he did the Will of God, His creator, but he was not God Himself. When Christmas came around, he asked me what I want for Christmas and I told him I want a Qur'an in English, so I can read it for myself. I could not find anything in it that I disagreed with, in fact, it reinforced many things I already believed. I believed that God is ONE, solo, omnipotent being, and that is what the Qur'an said. I also did not believe that being born into a religion automatically saved a person, it had to be a matter of choice based on personal faith. I also did not believe that there is only one right religion, while everyone else is condemned to hell and that was also reinforced by the Qur'an. It says:


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YUSUFALI: Those who believe (in the Qur'an), and those who follow the Jewish (scriptures), and the Christians and the Sabians,- any who believe in Allah and the Last Day, and work righteousness, shall have their reward with their Lord; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.
PICKTHAL: Lo! Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
SHAKIR: Surely those who believe, and those who are Jews, and the Christians, and the Sabians, whoever believes in Allah and the Last day and does good, they shall have their reward from their Lord, and there is no fear for them, nor shall they grieve.
After eight months of studying and reflecting and praying, I knew which religion God wanted for me. It came down to the head covering. I read about it in the Qur'an, and I read about it in the Bible, and I knew that it was what God wanted from a woman who professed to be one of his believers. For three days I writhed within myself, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Finally on the third day I made up my mind, "if I'm going to call myself a Muslim, I'm going to do it right." So I put on a scarf and I gave my allegiance to Allah, Prophet Muhammed, and his progeny.

I was amazed at the difference that little piece of cloth made in how I felt about myself. I hadn't covered my hair for four years, and I didn't want to, based on my past experience, but this was something unexpected. This was, I learned, something that would give me the self-respect I needed, and it also brought me more respect from other people. Only an occasional jerk made a rude comment about it, until after September 11, 2001. Then the knee-jerk reactions to it were more frequently of the negative sort, but I am grateful to be able to help educate people who have had little or no previous knowledge about Islam. At my various jobs my non-Muslim co-workers often came to me with their personal problems, women showed me the bruises that their boyfriends gave them, when they beat them. They came to me for consolation and for advice on a thousand different issues. Of course I'm sure I didn't always have an answer, but I listened with compassion, which is probably all they were really wanting anyway. Without my scarf they would never have recognized me as a spiritual person whom they can respect and confide in.

Although my first marriage did not survive, I had found lasting peace with my God and myself. I pray that Allah will forgive my ex-husband and myself for our sins. I have actually read the bible more and have understood it better since I became a Muslim. In fact, I even researched and read some of the history of the Old Order Mennonites and Amish that the contemporary elders have neglected to disseminate. I read books like The Martyr's Mirror and websites like Religious Tolerance. My eyes have been opened, and I fully understand why:

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YUSUFALI: Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in Allah hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And Allah heareth and knoweth all things.
PICKTHAL: There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm handhold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower.
SHAKIR: There is no compulsion in religion; truly the right way has become clearly distinct from error; therefore, whoever disbelieves in the Shaitan and believes in Allah he indeed has laid hold on the firmest handle, which shall not break off, and Allah is Hearing, Knowing.

I love the unique perspective of being a head covering Muslim woman, in spite of all the opposition I face in the post 9/11 era. Allah has blessed me so much and saved me from my own sinful self and the path of self destruction I was on. While I am sure that He saved me because I was worth saving, I don't believe that "I have arrived." In other words, it is now my obligation to be a good example, to try to conduct myself with the good manners and introspect that was characteristic of Prophet Muhammed and his family. Furthermore, I am compelled to try to be a shining reflection of them to the diverse array of people I meet as well as my family members, in order to provide them with a living, breathing example of what it means to be a Shia Muslim woman. The magnitude of this responsibility is humbling, considering the odds. May my God forgive my sins, and the sins of all others who sincerely seek to please Him. Insha Allah, God Willing.


Here is a link to the beautiful post at Clothesline Alley, Amy wrote an inspiring post on the subject of head covering and here is also a related post from Eli at Help The Truth.